Missing the Picnic

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My daughter called me while I was in Target earlier today. Whenever she calls during the day at an unexpected time, I usually think, “Uh-oh. Something’s wrong.” Today was no exception.

Carrie was upset because she had forgotten her five-year-old’s end of the year picnic. She and the teacher had been communicating about pizza and times, but Carrie thought the date was Wednesday the 21th and not Tuesday the 20th. A social child and real party animal, Colton was going to be some kind of upset when he woke up from his nap and realized that he had missed the big bash.

It’s time to mention that my daughter has five children and that her husband has been in California for several days. During his absence, Carrie has juggled numerous events, including three birthday parties in one day. She has managed to carry the extra load with aplomb and good humor until today when she got her days mixed up.

She wanted advice from me on how to handle her feelings of guilt. Ha Ha. Doesn’t she know that I  feel remorseful about more things than I can count? I told her what a wonderful mother she was (is) and reminded her that she was just ONE PERSON. Running a large household is challenging in the best of situations, and when one parent is gone and the family is a state away from other family members, then that ONE PERSON just has to do the best she can in juggling homework, housework, and playtime.

She knew all of that, so my “mom talk” was falling on deaf ears.

Then I remembered Stephen Covey, a man whose wisdom has aided me in many situations. One of my favorite Covey concepts is that of the emotional bank account. The people in a relationship make deposits such as hugs, meals, back rubs, gifts, time, attention, or anything else that the other person perceives as good.

Sooner or later the individuals are going to make withdrawals. Withdrawals range from angry words and raised voices to forgotten anniversaries or birthdays. While withdrawals are never good, their harm is not quite so dire as long as the emotional bank account is still in the black. If there are more withdrawals than deposits, then there could be trouble.

“Here’s the thing, Sweetie,” I told Carrie. “You make dozens and dozens of deposits every single day for all of your children, and this is one withdrawal. One.”

“He’s going to be so upset.”

“Yes, you’re right about that. Tell him you’re sorry and hug him tight. Remind him that you love him, and then you might want to apologize again.”

“I just feel so awful, so guilty.”

“I know that feeling all too well. But feeling bad on and on is not going to help matters. Apologize and stop beating yourself up.”

If I know my daughter, she still feels wretched about missing the picnic and is worried about Colton’s feelings when he hears his friends talking about the fun time they had. But can a mother prevent that from happening? No. She can only apologize. Apologizing, by the way, was considered by Covey to be a major deposit. When it’s added to Carrie’s other constant deposits, their bank account should stay in good shape.

Although it was a bit disheartening to hear of this mother/son situation today, I’m glad that Carrie called. I’m now reminded of Covey’s concept and am thinking of some deposits I need to make.

What about you and your relationships? Are you overdrawn? Is it because you need to make more deposits and fewer withdrawals? Has the other person made deposits that you aren’t giving him or her credit for?

 

Eggs in One Basket

Lately I’ve been thinking about the truth behind the cliché, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” Yesterday I thought of how it lines up with Stephen Covey’s concept about finding one’s center. Anyone who knows me well knows that I’m a huge Covey fan, and I’m amazed and pleased at how often his writing comes to mind.

According to Dr. Covey, in order to get where you’re going, you need to find your center, what it is that you’re all about. After writing about the various centers that a person can have, he discusses the importance of having universal principles of fairness, love, equality, integrity, kindness, and honesty at one’s core. These values are timeless, unchanging, and present in every culture. They won’t let us down.

Often we have other centers that give our lives focus and direction. Examples from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People include self, family, spouse, friends, work, and religion (or church). All of those things are good and are valuable. BUT sometimes when they’re at the very core of a person and he (or she) loses one, then the person’s whole world falls apart.

  • If your family is more important to you than anything else, and then someone in your family dies, gets put in prison, goes astray, or lets you down, your world could come crumbling down if that’s all you ‘ve got. Think empty nest syndrome.
  • If your job is primary in your life and you lose it for whatever reason and have nothing else of importance, you’re anchorless.
  • If you’re enemy-centered, and thoughts of getting even are foremost on your mind, then that person is in control of your life and thoughts, not you. Covey gave a great example of a man who was thinking of leaving the university and taking his family with him to another locale because there was a person in his department who was the bane of his existence.
  • If you’re friend centered, your friends might get busy with other aspects of their lives and neglect you. What then? Are there other eggs in your basket?
  • If you’re spouse centered, that person could disappoint you, perhaps even find another.
  • If you’re church-centered, what happens when its teachings don’t line up with what you consider to be “right?”

Again, caring about the above events and people are important. Covey just reminds his readers to have some balance in their lives and to have fundamental values and principles as guiding forces in our lives, thus keeping us from cracking when our baskets drop.

Have you ever put all of your eggs in one basket? If so, how has that worked out for you?